The following letters which I wrote as a child were received by me at the end of 2021, shortly after I ran a crowdfunding campaign to publish my book.

During that campaign, I recall answering questions, such as whether becoming a writer was a childhood dream of mine. I remember clearly saying it was not — it was never something I planned or aspired to.

But the strength of these letters lies in showing that writing is not a matter of wanting, but of needing. I didn’t want to become a writer; somehow, I already was, since childhood.

I begin with this deep need to speak to my mother — the greatest love of my life — who was there one moment, and suddenly gone the next, forever. How could I possibly have understood what had happened? At the same time, I was incredibly fortunate to have been so deeply loved and to carry that immense love within me. Yet, it hurt profoundly, and I had to write.

At the time I wrote these letters, I would always travel on vacation to my maternal grandmother’s house. That was when I would give the letters to her and ask her to deliver them to her church pastor—so the letters could reach my mother in heaven.

The reason for the letters was very practical. And I was a child who would have been very upset to know that the pastor didn’t actually deliver those letters to my mother.

The First Letter

Mommy, you know I’m hurting so much.

Mom, when you were alive, I was really happy.

Now I’m living on the farm.

Now, Mommy, I’m studying and learning lots and lots of things.

But, Mom, I’m very sad.

Sometimes I see other moms hugging their children, being sweet with them, and I almost cry.

Because at that time, on that day, in that moment… you weren’t there to hug me.

I love you, Mommy.

Until the next letter.

Signed,

your daughter,

Kettilen Santos Lopes.

Second Letter

My name is Kettilen, I’m 8 years old, and to me, the most important person is my mom, who passed away four years ago.

At her funeral, I didn’t cry or feel sad, because I didn’t understand what death meant.

But when I started to understand, it hurt more—because I knew I would never see her again.

I will never forget how much love and care she gave me.

And I will never forget her, because even though she’s up in heaven, she’s also right here in my heart—deep inside my heart.

But I really wish she was here with me, in real life, with skin and bones.

I’ll never forget you, Mom, or anyone else who’s up there with you.

I love you more than anything in this world.

Final Letter

Mommy, I really wish you were here.

I miss you so much, Mom.

I’m never happy without you.

Without you, my life is nothing.

Mommy, I’ve never felt a pain so big inside my chest.

Mom, you are my best gift.

You are the most beautiful thing in my life.

Mom, I love you, I want you, and I wish you were here.

I love you from the bottom of my heart.

I love you so, so much. You’re the one I want most in my life.

I love you, I wish you were with me.

I love you, I love you, I love you.

Signed,

your daughter,

Kettilen.